of going back

bismillah, 

this is a story of my heart, well i think there have been loads of story-of-my-heart in here. anyway, if u wanna continue reading...tafaddal :) 

facing an exam is soooo stressful, there r soo much to read and cover this time around

(derrr. ayat poyo..seniors have much more to cover and they said...kadang-kadang tak rasa pape pun with exam..fine, but i bet there r indeed some rasa, yet not intense. ke?)

anyway, this year, times have been so challenging, but i dont think that i wanna tell the stories here (yet) ... keeping them to myself :) 

(and to some who already knew the dramas that i have faced) 

now, i am calculating days. countdown to final integrated exam for my second year. 

nervous 

anxious you know

huhuhuhu... yet, wonderful things happened

ALLAH is so lovely

He showed me how to adapt at these final laps

really, really grateful for that

what's happening around me might not be viewed as important by certain people,
yet very crucial and vital for myself. very much 

ooo ALLAH, please never leave me and make my heart feels empty

it hurts me sooo much

well, i have been acting quite abnormal, if i can say that..huhuhu

better to say weird than before, 

i've changed i think to a certain extent in a number of criterion that i have before

hopefully, they  are good things and things that You bless

if not then i hope that You'll show me the best way to realize it and change for the better

around this critical year of my second year in Leeds, i realized that i have been so, so sensitive...
(well not really sensitive but empty....struggling...hurm, so many negative words..) 

it's alright, my lovely sister said..second year is hard..
you'll miss your family more

and changes would be more shocking (if any)
and sacrifices demanded from you (certain people, i think) would be greater

(i think for this part ie the sacrifice, each individual would have their own stories to keep in their memoirs)

these couple of days, i realized i have been so stressful and cant really focus in my studies

i think its because of the workload and environment 

and bla bla bla

(so many reasons that i dun i think i'll be able to list all, even to think of all is hard as well...some times we just dont know what makes us feel bad..isnt it?) 

what eased me apart from the Doas and Qurans and Dzikir is something that i did last night, 

i packed my lugage

ready to go home

have never remember me acting such strange

have never done this before i think

it's another 30 days to go back

but i packed my bags already

PACKED my bags

(well, part of it is because i wanna estimate things that i wanna bring back home, if there will be any that i wanna ship back home..tumpang orang la basically :) )

so i packed my back 

do you know what i realized from this strange thing that i have done? 

it's something that everyone should have been thinking all the way through this life

i was so happy while packing

my stress eased

and the most important this little heart was wonderfully calm 

an ease that i have longed for so long 

really long 

:)

it made me feel happy because it made me think that there will be so many wonderful things waiting for me back home
i'll be seeing those wonderful gifts ALLAH has blessed me with which are my family members
it made me things that the problems here is no more that serious

ALLAH is so wonderful

may be this is how wonderful life of someone who remembers ALLAH and the Hereafter all the time isnt it? 

not feeling attached to this world so much that you are happy enough to leave it and meet your Lord

ooo God, remembrance of Hereafter indeed has more meaning and importance then just to guide our amal and iman

it builds our love and miss for You
happy to meet Him that you are strong enough to face this world in search for His blessings

purification of heart

Yes [on the contrary], whoever submits his face in Islam to Allah while being a doer of good will have his reward with his Lord. And no fear will there be concerning them, nor will they grieve. (2:112)

Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured." (13:28) 

There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often. (33:21)

ps: these ayats are not really say what i wanna say. didnt remember the exact ones that reflect the ideas in this entry. i'll find some more when i get back home to my 'manual' huhuhu. at library now. :)