Wednesday, January 28

A broken heart is a broken heart
Some people just don't know how to fix what they have broken 
Worst, they smashed it even harder 


Tuesday, January 27

Terkadang tak faham tindakan setengah manusia :(

Sunday, January 25

The wonderful tilawah

Yesterday, was tiring I would say. Weird that people actually rest on weekend, but I would feel tired as I reach Sunday. Alhamdulillah, thumma Alhamdulillah. As this is really such a wonderful life experience that I am learning to appreciate and love then to mould it to be my principle of life. Which is to serve and rest just enough to keep on moving and fulfilling my purpose of life.

I went for a walk my little sisters yesterday at a castle in Harrogate. A month before, I promised these little sisters that I would bring them for a wonderful weekend getaway after they finished exam. I planned to bring them to Belfast but after I made the offer, I needed to change the plan to actually fit in our monthly sisters qiyam and my own face to face sisters circle ie usrah (Most of my halaqat were done online cause my usrahmates are everywhere so it is quite hard to actually fix a time where everyone can actually attend in person for face to face halaqah.) We have no other weekend, so yeah... a weekend getaway in Belfast changed to just a short walk in Harrogate. Most houses and castles were closed hence we decided to go to Ripley Castle, hoping to see deer at the Deer Park in the castle. We ended up being separated from the group of deer by two gates. -_-''

It was a short journey but was quite cold hence it made us felt quite tired at the end of the day. It was already 6 when I reached home and usrah was meant to start at 7 and qiyam was meant to start at 9. I tried to have some nap before the halaqah started but I didn't manage to do so because, as I reached home, I had guests -actually akhawat who would be joining the qiyam as well that night so I didn't really have time to rest.

I was so tired though at the start of the halaqah. I felt almost a bit moody so I kept quite hoping that I can actually calm down and be ready to recharge my iman and learn. However, even after we started the usrah, I was still feeling tired. I was a bit uncomfortable with myself that time, but I was hoping that I will feel better, and you know, one of my usrahmates read the verses with such a wonderful voice. Slowly, peacefully. Her voice shook my heart. Getar. It did I don't lie.. and I was so happy to hear her tilawah. It made me feel happy. The positivity made me feel positive and I literally smiled and enganged throughout the halaqah and even till the end of today. Such a blessing that ALLAH has granted to her and the benefit somehow comes to me. Thanks sis :D

Saturday, January 24

Teapots of Sodiqeen

My lovely sisters made a poem and sent it to us in one lovely Jumuah morning. One of us, replied to and made my day:

I'm a little teapot
Nice and round
One thing I'm very fond
Pouring out tea
Into cups I found

I'm a little teapot
I live to serve
Come guests
To please I love

One small trouble
With my little self
Once I finish serving
I go back to the shelf

You see it saddens me
If I'm empty
For how can it be
For me to serve more
When what I have in me
There's nothing left to pour

I need a refill please
A top up some may say
To continue filling up
The empty cup
Or I shall give up
Not because I refuse
But what is the use
An empty teapot
Give more I cannot

Please queue for your refill at the kiosks available.

The reply was: 

o little teapot,
come closer as the tea is here,
waiting for you to come near,

o little teapot 
if you are coming here,
please do open your lid,
coz even though you are near,
i can only fill you if you opened your lid,

o little teapot,
come near with a cleaned inside,
squeaky clean and dried,
smelly and dirty we shall not abide,
coz our tea is served worldwide ,
a tea brand that is bona fide.

o little tea pot,
when you come near,
don't be just a sightseer,
tell your story to fellow teapots here,
build bonds before we disappear,
only then shall we become musketeer.

Wednesday, January 21

saat taqwa menggegarkan jiwa

there had been a few things happened in my life these past few days or even past few weeks. i can't list them cause i don't remember all. but i know, i'm feeling sad as i am worried i might have done things wrongly or badly. i'm scared of sins i might do from my speech. i'm worried of sins in might do with my hands and feet. i'm extremely worried of sins i might do with my heart. things that are going around deep inside which i might miss. i am scared. and each time it happens, i feel vulnerable. i am even scared to talk to people. 

something happened today, which became the climax of this drama, and i grabbed back the book i have read years ago. the book of taqwa. i read it, and my heart bleeds. my heart cries. emotional tornado. i felt so sad for the days that have left, i am sorry the wrongdoings. anyway, enough emotions.. this is what i made out of scanning through the little book back again.. *cry*

ok dalam urusan apa yang kita kena bertaqwa?
a,b,c,d,e.....z *eh macam semua je* ye la semua.. 

apa sahaja yang kita buat, yang berlaku antara langit dan bumi, jelas atau tersembunyi, jamaei atau sendiri.. dalm gelap atau cerah.

taqwa tu. apa sahaja, antara langit dengan bumi.
ada 5 cara, dr abdullah nashih ulwan tulis dalam buku dia. 'petunjuk praktis mencapai darjat taqwa'

1. MU'AHADAH ingat janji dengan ALLAH - janji yang kita buat masa minta tlg, janji yg kita buat dalam solat, janji yg kita buat dlm zikir. mana2 janji, yang terdetik bila kita bicara dengan ALLAH. He remembers eventho we might forget

2. MURAQABAH merasa kebersamaan ALLAH - He's around, He is watching- apa sahaja, dalam duvet, dalam bilik, dalam gelap, dalam terang.

3. MUHASABAH - on and on.. and on. we can never be perfect. we can never be always right either. so look into things that we have done, imagine if we present it to ALLAH, would He be angry, and if we discuss it with Rasulullah, would he be disappointed. but in simple words, is there anyway we could have done things better.
orang yang banyak muhasabah, insha ALLAH hisab akhirat akan lebih senang. will it?

4. MU'AQOBAH - in simple words, denda diri sendiri if you do something wrong or dosa. tp x melampaui batas. just enough to remind ourselves of the mistakes and remind ourselves not to repeat the same thing again and again and again.
Dr Nashih Ulwan conclude dlm heading mua'qobah tu, he wrote:
Jika seorang daie fi sabilillah sudah mampu menjatuhkan denda ke atas dirinya di saat melakukan kesalaha, maka dia telah melangkah menuju taqwa, dan telah menapaki jalan ketinggian rohani.. dan pasti akan sampai ke darjat orang-orang yang bertaqwa.

Nangis x baca ni? nangis x? how many of us, sanggup denda diri sendiri hanya sbb nak minta maaf atas kesalahan kita dan bg pengajaran pd diri sendiri? most of the time we would try hard to find words just to give us some comfort and elak rasa bersalah... did we not?

5. MUJAHADAH - he defines it as optimization. - he wrote: 
Bila seorang mukmin tu terseret dalam kemalasan, santa, cinta dunia dan tidak lagi melaksanakan amal-amal sunnah serta ketaatannya yang lain tepat pada waktunya (in simple words, some people say futur) - maka ia harus memaksa dirinya melakukan amal-amal sunnah lebih banyak dari sebelumnya. 

simply said- PAKSA diri buat lebih bila MALAS. so when you know you malas, that time, lawan. thats what mujahadah is. kalau time malas kata malas, nanti tak ikhlas... hurm, that's what we say- you opt for it, so you have to bear the consequences. 
tongue emoticon ok tak la.. my point is, let's push ourselves, pahala buat benda baik bila malaskan ada 2- pahala buat baik, dan pahala mujahadah.
** it is only a 150 pages, a7 sized book. i've read it years ago. but the content are just so unbelievably refreshing. nanges? muted~

Tuesday, January 20

Banjir hihihi

Bru je lepas tulis post pasal rindu rinduan.. K himan balas mesej woooo. Hihihi ok banjiq sat. Sambung baca buku. 2 minit je pon balas mesej. Bleargh.. Emosi..

Bila rindu

Over the course of the past six years, I have lost some people who are dear to me, be it physically or emotionally. Some became far (physically), some became far and distant emotionally (although they are just around physically), some became far both physically and emotionally. Hihihi. What a complicated world it is. ^_^

But to be honest, as I look back over the moments that had passed by, I can't deny that I miss those time when I felt safe and loved by those people who I learnt to love. I miss those time when I felt safe to actually express my thoughts, feelings and actions. I miss those moments when I felt respected to express my views yet honoured to be criticised. 

Being me, unfortunately, I'm too selective in choosing close friends hence I feel sad when I lose them. Cause for me, close friends are like treasure that can never be replaced. Those who are physically far, I still love you and each of you have own space in my heart and memory. Even though, I do not text or contact people as frequent as others. I do keep all the memory dear to my heart. To be honest, sometimes I do not know how to text and what to ask. Hence I just keep missing people and just make prayers when I remember my dearest sisters and friends. Sometimes, I am occupied with other things hence I could not text cause I do not want conversations to stop inappropriately- but for some people, I learnt that it just will be touch and go.. Hihi bai bai kinda thing... So layan je la snapshots tanya khabar tu. For some others who insist on me to be responsive at odd times, I will try but it'll be a bit hard to for me keep up. So yeah, I'll try and I hope Allah will give me strength to fulfill your right as a friend ^_^. I'm sorry for not being present, perfect and not even mushy mushy-ly caring and loving. 

I just do not know how to XD  poor me, hehehehe lols

#random: rahmat Allah itu luas, lebih luas dari bumi yang terbentang @windemere 

Sunday, January 18

Senyum dan penantian

Hanya Allah yang tahu ^_^
Sungguh hanya Dia yang mampu membiaskan apa yang ada dalam hatiku

Tuesday, January 13

Dendam & Menghuni Syurga


Dulu bila terbaca ayat ni, suka sanga disebabkan oleh ayat bertanda kuning tu. Ia menggambarkan kesyukuran seorang hamba yang betul-betul rendah hati terhadap nikmat petunjuk dan izin Allah untuk dia kekal dalam iman dan amal soleh selama dia di  dunia. Sangat rendah hati. Sebab tiada pun dia claim sebab masuk syurga tu adalah atas amal yang dia dah buat di dunia, instead dia kata Alhamdulillahilladzi hadaana li haaza- segala puji bagi Allah yang telah memberi kami petunjuk. Cantiknya akhlak hamba yang Allah izinkan masuk syurga. Orang kata kalau nak masuk syurga, kat dunia ni kena usaha dan cuba hidup dengan akhlak-akhlak macam tu la juga. Increase the chances of dapat redha Allah hence masuk syurga. 


Oh now, my actual point. Harini, bila baca balik ayat ni sekali lagi. Mata dan akal terhenti pada beberapa perkataan dalam ayat tu: Kami cabut segala dendam yang ada dalam dada mereka. 

Dulu, saya suka je ayat ni. Simply because ia menggambarkan janji Allah bahawa dalam Syurga nanti, hati kita akan dipenuhi dengan kebahagiaan dan ketenangan. Hence it makes you feel, yes self! Do your best, dalam Syurga tu tak celaru. Tenang. Tak de marah, tak de benci. Ada kasih sayang dan sifat penyantun je. 

Harini, bila baca balik, terbetik soalan. Kenapa ayat tu mention macam tu? Kenap mention dicabut rasa dendam tu, does that mean masa di dunia, orang-orang yang beramal soleh ni akan ada perasaan perasaan buruk pada orang lain di sekitar dia? 


Hurm. Then buka la beberapa buku, nak tanya ustaz tak available la pulak dengan segera.. The answer is says, yes.. Manusia yang masuk syurga tu, dia hidup di dunia macam manusia biasa. Perasaan dia berkembang dan berubah sebagai perasaan seorang manusia. Bukan malaikat. Akan ada waktu dia kecewa. Akan ada waktu dia sedih. Akan ada waktu, dia marah. Tapi yang pasti, saat dia diuji dengan setiap rasa-rasa yang negatif tu, dia segera istighfar. Kembali muhasabah diri. Take the time to change. Penawar kepada rasa-rasa buruk tu I believe would be zikrullah dan rasa kasih sayang:,Kefahaman bahawa kasih sayang kita kepada manusia itu adalah kerana Allah, maka kita tak nak hidup kita penuh dengan masam muka kepada dia hanya kerana kita pernah marah, hanya kerana kita pernah dikecewakan, hanya kerana kita pernah terkilan. Maka kita belajar untuk memaafkan. Kita belajar untuk bersabar. Dan kita belajar untuk terus sayang- terus saling menasihati dalam kebenaran dan kesabaran. Terus mengharapkan kebaikan dan Syurga buat teman kita. 


Apa yang menarik ialah tentang bekas-bekas perasaan yang tertinggal tu. Ghill tu. Untuk sesetengah manusia, no matter how hard they tried, bekas terasa tu akan tertinggal dalam hati dia. I guess ayat ni menjadi pujukan untuk manusia tu sendiri belajar untuk bersabar dengan diri dia dan santun pada diri dia. Sort of saying, 

"Dear self, I know perasaan terasa hati tu masih ada deep down in you heart. Sabaq na. Sangka baik pada Allah. Usahalah untuk berlapang dada. Counter back perasaan marah yang bersisa pada orang tu dengan terus berbuat baik pada dia

If you think it is not fair- say to yourself, 

" Kalau memaafkan itu dekat dengan sifat ALLAH, malah DIA pun dah banyak maafkan kita. Kalau memaafkan manusia itu boleh menjadi tanda kita menghargai AL-GHAFUR ALLAH, apa salahnya. Kebaikannya untuk kita juga. Sekurang-kurangnya hati kita semakin redha. Semakin tenang. Bebas dari marah dan kebencian"


Believe it, pengampunan yang kita beri itu, penawar untuk jiwa kita. 
Believe it, lapang hati yang kita cuba bentuk itu, menjemput ketengangan pada hati kita. 
Believe it, kasih sayang dan belas ihsan yang kita cuba tampilkan itu akan membentuk akhlak kita. 
Kita pasti akan belajar, menyantuni manusia, kerana Tuhan kita. Besar maknanya. Bukan hanya semata kerana kenal atau cinta- tapi kerana Tuhan kita. 



Friday, January 9

SJT done, move on!

Alhamdulillah one more thing for fifth year ticked today.

ESREP Presentation 
ESREP Manuscript
ESREP Reflection 
Placement 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 

Now left with PSA, placements and finals. 

Can't wait to finish the year ^_^

After finished with that 2 hours and 20 minutes test today, we had a meeting with the medical school. They are proposing for us final years to get into the ward and become volunteers to help out with the increasing workloads at hospitals currently. I've signed up to it. Worried but excited too! Need to polish my knowledge and skills. 

Hey self! It's 117 days to your finals! Do it properly.. With ihsan, patience and solat. Remember He will be there. Is always there. He is watching! He loves you of course, so do your best! 

Khayr insha Allah. Even when the whole world leave you, He will never do!

Thursday, January 8

Of life and advice

You can have 100 people telling you that the sky is blue, but it may take the 101 to make you actually turn to it and appreciate it. 

The one who inspired me to write this quote does not understand it so I tried to explain to her in simple words. So for those who do not understand this 30 words quote you can read the examples I gave below. Hohohoho : 

Cth 1: Kalau mak ckp kat anak dia.. Engkau ni nakal la hai.. Mesti bdk tu mcm, mak ak ni suka sgt membebel. Sikit2 xkena. Sikit2 xkena. 10 thn mak dia tegur dan bersabar. 10 thn tu jg la dia x faham. Tp bila dah besar, jumpa kawan yg dia start jd rapat. Dah kenal spend masa banyak2. Tertiba satu hari kawan dia ckp: engkau ni boleh tahan nakal jg kan? Tiba2 dia terhenti: dan tanya.. Laaa yeke? Kot mana nakal tu?. Masa tu baru dia nak belajar faham...

Cth 2: kalau kita ad masalah.. Kita mcm blurrr nak buat ap dlm hidup. Cth lepas spm. Xtahu nak blajar ap, pastu ad la kakak kita cthnya dtg ckp alaaa cuba fikir ap yg kau suka. Semua benda pun susah, tp kalau kau suka insha Allah kau akan buat yg terbaiik. Dipendekkan cerita, si adik xleh appreciate pon ap yg kakaknya tu ckp. Tup2 satu hari dia balik da ckp dgn bahagia pd kakak dia: wehhh td ak g career talk ni, jumpa Mr X. Ak rasa ak nak jd arkitek la. Ak suka! Dia kata kalau ak buat ap yg ak suka, boleh cekal j tempuh cabaran! *si kakak leeehhhhh ak ckp minggu lepas ko xnak dgr* 
Begitu lah resam manusia, nasihat didengar hanya bila dia bersedia. Jiwa atau masa. Mungkin jg menanti org tertentu. Kata2 dr kwn2 x sama manisnya di telinga dgn kata2 dr Yasmin Mogahed atau Nouman Ali. Walaupun mungkin nasihat yg dia bg masih sama. Hehehhehehe

The point that I was trying to highlight was simple, human.. being human. We just have this tendency to actually pick an choose what we want to listen, what we want to understand, and even what we want to act upon. Sometimes, skeptically, we shut our ears and eyes (and ultimately hearts) to advise from somebody that we just have an ill heart towards- regardless for whatever reason, just ill. 

N.B: That friend was not the only one who made me wrote this quote, so many people I met even myself, made me ponder upon this fact. So yeah, I wrote it as a reflection and a statement of this realization of human psychology and attitude- of which I had realized long time ago and still doing it myself at times. 

Saturday, January 3

Hidup beriman

Hidup ini bukan hanya untuk menyusun kata, tapi ia untuk membuktikan rasa. Menyemai benih di dalam dada. Bunganya wajib segar tanpa paksa.